"Hey Gratitude Cocktailers, I'm taking a mini-break from blogging to perfect my tan and damage my liver. I'll send out an email as soon I'm back -- and relatively sober. Cheers!"

A disloyal friend is like an itchy sweater you can’t take off. There’s nothing worse than investing months of your time with a new BF(possibly)F only to discover she’s completely batshit. Managing a needy girlfriend quickly becomes a full time job with no benefits, overtime or vacation days. Luckily, I’ve created a scientific method for auditioning perspective girlfriends. Simply ask your new pal to dinner and if she turns down the six course tasting menu for a scoop of cottage cheese and slice of tomato, she can’t be trusted. Check please.

Food is a friend you can trust. Pizza never judges, cheesecake never gets angry and truffle fries never borrow your favorite dress and forget to return it.  Food is incredibly loyal and I'm more than happy to return the favor. I’ve been known to pass up sex for a slice of pie and when I’m away from home, I’m not worried about someone breaking into my home steal my jewelry, I worry they’ll take off with my unopened box of truffles.

Mind you, I’m not picky. I’m close friends with Democrats, Republicans, Atheists, Born Again Christians, Scrapbookers and even those nasty people who don’t drink alcohol. I’m tellin’ you, if a girl was on the terrorist watch list and carried a handbag that made a loud ticking sound -- I’d trust her more than a woman who doesn’t love to eat.

Food is the perfect friendship barometer because girls who don’t like food are most likely skinny, they workout a lot and if you go shopping with them, they look good no matter what they try on -- even a string bikini. In other words, they’re dirty, dirty, whores. I’m grateful for girls who love food because we have a common bond. I respect a girl who can’t be bothered to exercise, but will run a quarter mile at full speed to catch the ice cream truck. Now that’s a girl I can trust with my life -- and even the key to my candy drawer at work.

That’s why I’m grateful for girls who love food.