At 3am when the rest of my co-workers are fast asleep, I’m wide awake, stressed-out about my brain numbing job. So it makes perfect sense, the only way I can relax is to watch a few hours of brain numbing infomercials. I’m mesmerized by Bumpits, Core Rhythms, the mini burger maker thing and Pro Caulk. I'm not gonna lie, the last one only interests me because it sounds like Pro Cock.

It’s no coincidence these commercials run late at night. Scientific studies prove you are more susceptible to marketing (or in other words, you're more open to buying useless crap) when you're in that fuzzy place between sleep and being awake. Manipulative hucksters have made millions of dollars by taking advantage of honest Americans -- and I want in on the action.

Here are my inventions so far…

The Wine Mug: A glass so large it can hold an entire bottle of wine. That way, when you get pulled over you can quite honestly tell the officer you’ve only had one glass of wine. You should never lie to cops, unless you're dating one and he asks you how many men you've slept with. Just like drinks, round the numbers down.

The World’s Safest Dildo: It’s a hollow dildo you stuff with money or jewelry and keep in your nightstand drawer. No cleaning lady or self respecting burglar is going to touch your dildo, no matter how desperate they are, keeping your cash and valuables just as secure as an in-ground safe. Maybe for larger items like a passport, I’ll make the World’s Safest Butt-Plug -- only if the dildo thing takes off.

Insomnia is a luxury I can't afford right now. I’m grateful for infomercials because they help me relax and unwind -- comforted by the knowledge that tomorrow a nice UPS driver will come to my house with a package, and soon I'll be able to stop and smell the mini-burgers.

That’s why I’m grateful for infomercials.