None of my so-called “friends” could be bothered to see Donny and Marie with me at our local Indian casino. Yet somehow, I always get suckered into attending their self-exploratory classes and seminars. Diane asked if I wanted to go out for Philly cheese steaks, and next thing I know we’re at the f’ing Learning Annex in a class called something like, “Finding your totem animal to awaken inner peace.” For the record, my enjoyment of Donny and Marie is purely ironic, but these people were dead serious. They were gonna find their totem for inner peace, if it killed them.

The room was thick with incense and it was giving me a major migraine, while everyone else was breathing it in like it was a bong load of purple kush. An ancient Indian boom box played a warbly tape of drum beats, as a tall Native American man in full head dress walked through the smoke. I got the giggles so bad I had to get up and leave. Diane grabbed my ankle, I tripped and fell face first into Indian Dude’s moccasins.

INDIAN DUDE: You need to find your vagina’s totem animal.

ME: Huh? No. What? Like, which animal represents the spirit of my... (I point down.)

INDIAN DUDE: Close your eyes. Inhale the incense. Open your mind and tell me which animal you see.

ME: (inhaling, coughing wildly) A three toed sloth?

INDIAN DUDE: Think again.

ME: A naked mole rat? A duck billed platypus? A plastic egg with Silly Putty inside?

INDIAN DUDE: It’s pretty basic. A strong vagina equals strong sense of self and inner peace.

In that instant I knew my totem animal, and I’m going to use it for inner peace -- and free drinks. I’m grateful for the Learning Annex because my class taught me how to have a strong sense of self. Next time I’m at a bar and I meet a hot guy, all I have to say is “I have a python vagina, it can constrict so tightly, it’ll render any man unconscious.” When you don’t want to spend the night alone, having a python vagina beats having Donnie and Marie tickets every time.

That’s why I’m grateful for the Learning Annex.