I’m pretty sure I’m one bad break-up away from owning 28 cats. The only reason I don’t have a cat right now is because I’m highly allergic and highly superstitious. I’ve heard if you sleep with a cat in your bed, it could smother your face and kill you. I’ve also heard if you sleep with a cat in your bed, the hot guy you bring home from a bar probably won’t smother your face and have sex with you. Both sound equally distressing.
Uniformly opinionated and disinterested, cats are like the Anna Wintour of the animal kingdom. Maybe they’re just misunderstood, or maybe they just need a new publicist. Case in point, cats have a reputation for being difficult to train, but when I cat-sat, the training was painless. Mr. Snickers had me perfectly trained in under six hours. My houseguest would just lay there like an open wound, moaning about how hungry he was, and next thing I know, I’m getting up in the middle of the night to make him something to eat. He’s a cat, not my pregnant wife. Why was I powerless to resist his evil feline spell? Is there a breed of cat I’m unaware of -- one that’s part warlock?
Elementary my dear Watson.
A new British study involving participants with names like Marbles, Wuzzy and Socks found when housecats are hungry, they mix their normal, pleasant purrs with meows similar in frequency to the distress cries of human infants. This makes them practically impossible for humans to ignore. And here’s the kicker – for some unknown reason, the cries are particularly effective on single women. Ouch. I feel like I’ve just been run over by a 10-ton truck of hairballs.
No wonder girls can’t resist cats, it’s just like being in a relationship with a co-dependant boyfriend. He spends the day passed out on the couch all stoned on cat nip, leaving little upturned saucers of milk all over the place and as soon as night falls, he’s pushing himself up against the window, crying out to all the females in the neighborhood to come have sex with him. I’m grateful I’m allergic to cats because I’m such an enabler, one meow and a ring from that stupid little bell on his collar and next thing I know I’m selling my plasma for his Fancy Feast fix. Instead of considering a cat after my next bad break-up, I’ll take the easy way out and just get 28 new boyfriends.
That’s why I’m grateful for my allergic reaction to cats.