I’m naked. Face down. A cloud of patchouli wafts in, and I know the massage therapist has arrived. Instead of relaxing, I’m thinking “Did I remember to fold my robe or did I just throw it in the corner like I do at home? Did I shave my legs? Do my heels look like parmesan cheese rinds?” But she starts to rub my back, and I begin to melt. She tells me my inner ch’i is blocked because my body is filled with toxins – what’s wrong with toxins? I love my toxins. I need at least two toxins to get out of bed in the morning. Then she goes in for the kill and says I should stop drinking alcohol. Get Dr Oz on the phone, he’s got some competition giving out medical advice, her name is Moonbeam and she works at Bliss spa. I almost got up and choked her with that red kabala string she had around her wrist.

To be fair, when I called for an appointment they asked if I want a male or female therapist. I said I wanted a burly, bald black man with a prison tattoo of a tear under his left eye. They didn’t think that was funny, so I should have known. Maybe there needs to be a day spa for people like me.

At Gratitude Cocktail fantasy spa, instead of cucumber yogurt facials, we’d have Nutella facials. Forget about $120.00 massages with ylang ylang oil, I’d offer a $9.99 rub down with taco grease. Instead of a quiet room where you wait for your name to be called as you nibble on apples and sip lemon water, how about a room where they blast Bon Jovi, serve jalapeno poppers and unlimited glasses of Two Buck Chuck? I think a drunken massage would be the most relaxing spa treatment ever, as long as they don’t ask me to turn over because I could flop face first onto the floor.

I don’t need to go to an expensive spa to relax, because sometimes those places make me uncomfortable. I don’t fit in -- I’m too chubby and let’s be honest, I can’t really afford it. I’m grateful I know how to relax on my own. I slide into a bubble bath, sip a glass of red, chomp on some chocolate covered bacon and watch the Biggest Looser marathon. If I want to unwind, I don’t need to unblock my ch’i, I just need to uncork a bottle of wine.

Thanks why I’m grateful for my ability to relax.