Wendy’s and Burger King air their commercials late at night because they know all the drunks and stoners will impulsively hop in their El Caminos, bumping into curbs and pedestrians until they get their fast food fix. I’m so lazy, I can’t muster the energy to get off my futon, not even for a Chalupa. I like to think this late night laziness has saved me at least three billion calories. Much better results than the Ab Rocket.

Instead of fighting it, I’ve decided laziness has its advantages. Case in point, when my drunken co-workers thought it was a good idea to go to Walmart and play bumper cars with the motorized wheelchairs, I was too lazy to go. You’d think my co-workers could put two and two together, but here’s a tip. If I was too lazy to join you, I’m too lazy to bail you out of jail for DUI on a wheelchair. If you chose me for your one phone call, it’s your own damn fault. Tell it to the judge.

I wasn’t always this slothful. If a camera crew followed me around freshman year of college, they could’ve taped an entire season of “I shouldn’t be alive.” But now, when I get stuck between the bed and the wall, I think it’s just easier to fall asleep like that.

Doctors with actual diplomas on their walls have told me if I diet and exercise, I’ll have loads of energy, but what do they know? I guess I could run, if I was chasing a wheel of cheddar cheese down a hill, but that’s about it. So, I’ve discovered a much better way. In an answer to my prayers, the geniuses at Jelly Belly have come up with jelly beans packed with caffeine, electrolytes and vitamins. Extreme Sport Beans, taste so yummy, one bean and I was a goner. I was so energized I ate twenty-four bags in one sitting.

Depending on how you look at it, laziness isn’t a liability, it’s an asset. I’m grateful for laziness because it keeps me out of trouble, but it doesn’t stop me from enjoying myself. Tonight I’m going to lie on the couch, watch Glee, eat about 50 bags of Sport Beans and be so full of energy, I’ll be motivated to pick up the phone and call the liquor store that delivers. Did you know a bottle red wine has half the calories of just one Chalupa? Don’t bother correcting me, it sounds good and (I may have mentioned) I’m too lazy to do any fact checking.

That’s why I’m grateful for laziness.