Dear Stouffer’s Lasagna,

It’s not you, it’s me. I’m breaking up with you because I feel the need to clear my conscience and refine my palate. Right now I’m watching a commercial for Chef Michael’s meals, and I know, without a doubt, I’ve discovered my gravy-covered soul mate. A slow motion shot of beef tenderloin slathered in brown sauce (I’m a sucker for anything slathered) with barley and carrot garnishes is making my heart palpitate and my stomach grumble. Oh. Wait. Chef Michael’s meals are for dogs. Never mind.

Love Always, Gratitude Cocktail Girl

For those of us who’d rather spend their time in the mall instead of slaving over a hot stove, Purina should make Boyfriend Chow. We could keep a bag of each formula in our cupboards and just grab the handful that best suits the guy we’re dating. Puppy Chow if he’s in college, Large Breed if he’s over 6’1”, Fit and Trim if he has a beer belly, and Active Senior if he’s in his 30’s. Oh, and Purina, if you’re listening, when we add warm water it should make gravy. Thick gravy, not a soupy mess, some women have been known to do impetuous things over their love of gravy.

If I served Chef Michael’s to most of the guys I’ve dated, they would love it -- and it’d probably taste better than anything I could whip up in the kitchen anyway. But then my pesky conscience takes over. I’m grateful I have a conscience because I couldn’t reeeeallllly serve dog food to my boyfriends, mostly because I wouldn’t know which wine to serve. What goes with kibble, red or white?

That’s why I’m grateful for my conscience.