Q: What’s more annoying?

A) Your friend in her second trimester who’s skinnier than you.

B) Your friend in her second trimester who’s skinnier than you, and quotes from What to Expect When You’re Expecting?

C) Your friend in her second trimester who’s skinnier than you, and quotes from What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and the stranger next to both of you looks at your belly and says “Congratulations!”.

If I ever get pregnant, here’s what to expect from me when I’m expecting…

1. Because my DNA is full of pranksters, I’m not going to glow. I’m gonna break out in hives, cold sores and my hair will fall out in patches so I look like Dobbie the house elf.

2. I’ll eat so much salty deli meat, stray dogs will chase me because my toes will have turned into Snausages.

3. Instead of shopping for comfy maternity clothes at Old Navy, I’ll buy a college mascot costume -- preferably a bear, and just walk around without the head.

4. I plan on nursing -- nursing a bottle of wine with dinner no matter how many dirty looks I get from the other people in the restaurant.

5. I’ll register for my baby shower at Design Within Reach for stuff I want, and the baby can sleep in a dresser drawer. What? It’s not like I’m going to close the drawer or something.

I’m grateful for pregnant friends because they remind me that while they are about to experience the miracle of life, I can still experience the miracle of drugs, alcohol and multiple sex partners.

That’s why I’m grateful for pregnant friends.