A new study out of the University of Pittsburg surveyed nearly 100,000 women and discovered optimists live longer, healthier, happier lives. Conversely, women who are negative and hostile are at a greater risk of dying from heart disease. (Remind me about that next time I’m waiting in line for a dressing room at H&M). So right now, I’m forcing myself to be optimistic, starting with my new diet. Unlike the last 732 diets I’ve started, this one is gonna work and the pounds will melt away like butter on a hot biscuit…with gravy. I better get some biscuits and gravy before I start my stupid new diet.

I’m like the James T. Kirk of diets, boldly going where no man has gone before. Cookies, cabbage soup, master cleanse, Zone, blood type, grapefruit, you name a diet, I’ve tried it. Except for one – and I hear this method actually works. Around the turn of the century people would ingest a capsule containing a live tapeworm. Apparently, jockeys swore by this mode of quick and easy weight loss. As disgusting as this sounds, a tapeworm diet is sort of appealing to me because I’ve always wanted a pet. But then again with the way I drink, I’d give it alcohol poisoning and kill it. I couldn’t have that on my conscience. What I really need is a vodka worm, so I can drink all the martinis I want.

I know there’s no miracle pill for weight loss so I have to remain positive. And by the way, damn you FDA for taking away my Fen Fen. Heart attacks, schmart attacks. I’m grateful I’m an optimist because I’m going to love a long healthy life knowing it doesn’t matter how much I weigh -- while my negative, lying, hostile bathroom scale is going to die a horrible death from heart disease.

That’s why I’m grateful I’m an optimist.