If they can make cars that won’t start unless the driver is sober, why can’t they invent panties that won’t come off unless the wearer can blow a .08 or under? After a few martinis, the part of my brain that was hired to make good decisions goes on strike and I end up in some guys apartment trying to figure out, A) Where am I? B) Why am I naked except for a sombrero? C) How long have I been passed out, straddling this donkey piñata? D) Why are his roommates calling me Juan Valdez and asking me to get them a coffee? Later in the day, information slowly starts to trickle in via texts, emails, Facebook photos, and I piece it all together. I’m like the Nancy Drew of blackouts.

You’d think this would convince me to give up martinis -- but you’d be wrong. The EPA has just released a study showing that drinking alcohol is better for your health than drinking water. Okay, that’s not exactly what they found, but I know how to read between the lines. Traces of Perchlorate, the primary component NASA uses in rocket fuel, has made its way into groundwater and has contaminated our drinking water. Doctors say Perchlorate effects the thyroid gland and the thyroid gland helps regulate metabolism. That means if I drink water, my thyroid will get all wonky, and I’ll gain so much weight I’ll look like I’m walking around in a space suit. Thanks NASA.

Alrighty then, now that this study has come out, finally doctors will wise up, and tell us to quit drinking water and instead, we should make sure to have five 8oz glasses of booze a day. We should replace the watercoolers at the office with kegerators and we should bathe in gin. Isn’t that why they came up with bathtub gin in the first place? I’m grateful for martinis because compared to drinking water, martinis are health drinks. My old motto has new scientific evidence to back it up, “an apple martini a day, helps keep the doctor away.”

That’s why I’m grateful for martinis.