The one thing that’s guaranteed to cause an uncomfortable silence in the elevator Monday morning is if I’ve had a sex dream about one of my co-workers. Even though I didn’t actually have sex with him, and I know in my t-rex-sized brain it didn’t happen, I’m still embarrassed when I see Scott at work the next day. I spend the rest of the morning dredging the dank pit of darkness (my subconscious) for reasons why I had a naughty dream about normal-looking, non-threatening, Scott. Is it because of his big paycheck, his nice clothes, his stellar education or could it possibly be that he’s trying to grow pot in his Obama Chia? Nope. It’s because one of the slutty girls in marketing told me his penis was small to average.

Whenever a guy tries to impress me by saying he has a huge penis, I run the other way.
A guy with a big penis will spend more time fiddling with his TV’s universal remote than your clitoris. Huge Penis Guy simply drops his trousers, lays on his back, points to the manstuff and says “Ta-dah! Here it is, knock yourself out!”  Then, since I have to do all the work -- and because I’m lazy, I just end up faking an orgasm (and you thought American Idol auditions had some abysmal performances.)

Average sized guy will move heaven and earth -- and even some large pieces of furniture in your apartment to please you. And, the next day you won’t be limping around the office looking for an ice pack to sit on because you decided to stick something inside you the size of parking meter. I’m grateful for average sized guys because I know they’ll focus on pleasing me. I’m not saying I’d never date a guy with a big penis, but if I do, you’ll know. I’ll be the girl in the elevator on Monday morning completely silent, sitting on an icepack, focusing on how to steer my new Jazzy Power Chair.

That's why I’m grateful for average guys.