*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the slutty.

When the Bloodmobile came to our office, Karen* was indignant. She went from desk to desk telling everyone how the Red Cross was unprofessional, judgmental and completely unfair. They had the nerve to reject her blood donation for the silliest little reason -- she had unprotected sex with over 700 partners.

I would’ve been so embarrassed, I would have crawled under my kitchen sink and spent the rest of my life eating Soft Scrub and talking to a hand puppet I made out of a Sham Wow. Her story spread through the building like wildfire (I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m pretty sure I overheard the cleaning ladies talking about Karen’s dirty girl parts) and next thing you know, we all have to attend sexual harassment training.

Here’s what a two-hour class and 68 pages of “carefully worded” paperwork taught me.

1. I cannot say cooter, twat or Ms. Peach because it may offend someone, but I shouldn’t be offended when some pregnant lady goes on and on about her mucus plug.

2. My boss cannot force me to have sex. But my boss can force me to bend over, grab my ankles and buy wrapping paper or cookies or whatever fund raising crap his kid’s school is selling.

3. My strapless maxi-dress from Forever21 is inappropriate. However, the corporate lawyer lady was wearing an appropriate suit -- one that was obviously crafted out of burlap by Amish seamstresses. Note to self…bare ankles are the devil’s play things and should never been seen in public.

4. I’m not allowed giggle in the meeting and bring up the fact that "sexual harassment" contains the words "ass” and “sex.”

These policies don’t foster a healthy work environment, they turn co-workers into tattletales. I’m grateful for sexual harassment training because it reminds me that I don’t need to involve a corporate attorney to negotiate my boundaries. I know what I’m comfortable with and it’s up to me to decide. If some guy is sexually harassing me, I just tell him “My brother is a fire fighter and he will use the jaws of life to rip your balls off if you ever touch me again.” Works every time, no “carefully worded” paperwork required.

That’s why I’m grateful for sexual harassment training.