I’m like the Switzerland of ex-girlfriends. I’m buddies with all of my exes except for the one that dumped me after I got drunk at Thanksgiving and asked his mom “who does your hair and why do they hate you so much?” So I was surprised when one of my “friends” (notice the quotation marks, you’ll see why I included them as you read the rest of the sentence) started dating my ex-boyfriend without asking me. Yes, he was my ex, and yes, I didn’t really mind, but I still think it’s shady she didn’t ask me – if you ask me.

There’s a code of honor in the military, and there should be a similar code with girlfriends. Instead of hiding my head in a foxhole, I did a little recon, and called my ex. He confirmed my “friend” (let me see, I can’t use her real name, so let’s just call her something simple) Whore-face spent the night at his house. He went on to say, she told him I was totally supportive of their relationship. So I played it off and reminded him that genital warts are contagious even if they aren’t visible, no matter what she says. Okay, I didn’t say that, but I wanted to.

I’m pretty sure there’s a country song about this exact situation, but right now I don’t feel like singing. I’m going to stick to my guns on this one. Any girl who dates your ex without giving you at least a 10 second warning is not your friend. She’s your “friend.” I’m grateful for “friends” like Whore-face because girls who stab you in the back make you appreciate the girls who’ve got your back. My friends without the quotation marks are the one’s who will support me, listen to me and even send my ex-boyfriend an anonymous case of Compound W.

That’s why I’m grateful for “friends".