You don’t get to pick your mom, but if I could, based on essential criteria like intellect, political affiliation, similar interests and -- she has the straight hair I’ve always wanted, I’d select Juliet Lee, the world's number one competitive eating Mom. Cross my cheesecake, and hope to die, that’s her real title.

With over 9,000 competitive eaters registered in world, Juliet Lee is currently the eleventh ranked eater in the world, and the only woman ever to compete against an elephant. Her website doesn’t expand on the whole elephant thing, but if my mommy wants to keep some stuff from her past a secret, who am I to judge? At just over 5 feet tall, Juliet weighs in at, hold on to your hamburger buns, a whopping 100 lbs, and she’s gorge-ous. (Ouch, sorry about the gorge-ous description. I was supposed to give up puns for lent.)

Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew Juliet Lee was the perfect mom for me when I read her quote, “I’ve always been able to eat more than anyone else, it was embarrassing. I was smaller but I ate even more than the boys.” Forget about sugar and spice and everything nice, eating like a truck driver is what little girls should be made of.

Here are just a few of my birth mom’s gastric accomplishments: 48 pork tamales, 372 Oysters, 22 pork barbeque sandwiches, 31.5 hot dogs (let's just round-up and call it 32), 51 Hamburgers, 276 cherrystone clams, 5 pounds of ribs and 13 slices of pizza. I’m grateful for Juliet Lee because she’s a role model for women. Girls, we shouldn’t be ashamed of ourselves because we like to eat. Next time I’m out of a date, I’m not going to nibble on a single grain of sushi rice. I’m going to order the chateau briand for two -- for one. Juliet Lee embraces her love of food and if I could I’d embrace her right now, and if my mouth wasn’t full, I’d probably call her mommy.

That’s why I’m grateful for Juliet Lee.