Texts I wish I received after a date

Did you get the flowers and chocolates I sent?

You left your bikini bottoms on my yacht.

Meet me at Tiffany’s to pick out the ring you want.

Text I actually received after a date

I have swine flu, you need to get tested.

I’ve had cowardly guys break-up with me via text message, but never had one tell me he’s exposed me to a potentially fatal virus. The worst part about this whole thing is what it’s called. Swine Flu needs a new publicist, it should be re-named “Princess Flu.” I wouldn’t have any problem calling in sick to work with Princess Flu. So far I'm flu-free, but if this virus kills me, I wouldn’t mind the cause of death of being listed as "Princess-related illness."

To make sure I don’t die a porcine death – and since I don't want to pay my $50 co-pay,
I’m going to try this overly-forwared email cure. It has to be true because it worked for a good friend of a friend, of a friend, who checked it on Snopes. Here's what it said to do...

“Cut an onion and put it next to the sick patient at night. The onion will turn black in the morning from the germs. Several onions around a room saved many from the black plague. Onions have powerful antibacterial, antiseptic properties.” And if you really want it to work you have to forward this to 10 friends along with the attached computer virus -- or something to that effect.

Tonight I’m going to give the onion thing a try. I’m grateful for my health and that I don’t feel sick, but I’m not taking any chances. While I don't have any real onions in my apartment, a couple of open bags of Funyuns should do the trick. If it doesn’t work and I wake up sick, at least I’ll have breakfast close by.

That’s why I’m grateful for my health.