Remember that cute little food pyramid we knew and loved as kids. It was so simple to understand with it’s “basic four” food groups of milk, meats, fruits and vegetables. Now some overzealous watchdog group with too much time on their hands, accused the dairy industry of unfairly lobbying the government. For some stupid reason they didn’t think eight glasses of whole milk a day was a good idea. So our adorable little food pyramid has undergone some plastic surgery. And just like Amy Winehouse’s new boobs, it’s freakishly out of proportion.

Current Food Pyramid (Now it’s a rainbow, and kids are encouraged to enjoy foods from every color every day.)

orange — grains

green — vegetables

red — fruits

yellow — fats and oils

blue — milk and dairy

purple — meat, beans, fish, and nuts

black – cardboard, rocks, sticks and old chewing gum

Okay, I made up the black group, and I’m surprised you even noticed because it seemed to fit right in there with all the other boring food groups. Because I’m a registered dietician in my own mind, I’ve taken it upon myself to make a few minor revisions to the rainbow for a much happier pyramid – a food pyramid for adults.

Revised Adult Food Pyramid (Just like the USDA guidelines, I encourage you to enjoy foods from each group every day.)

Grains — beer group

Veggies — bloody mary group

Milk — the Ben and Jerry’s group

Meat and Fish — Chalupas and Filet o’ Fish group

Every few years the government revises their Food Pyramid and the next update is due in 2010. You can trust the integrity my adult food pyramid because I was not influenced by any special interest groups other than my liver – which is a pretty aggressive lobbyist. I say guidelines, schmidelines, health information changes from month to month (eggs are bad, eggs are good.) I’m grateful for the basic four in my food pyramid, booze, fast food, cheese and booze because I know it'll stand the test of time.

That’s why I’m grateful for the basic four.