I speak two languages fluently, English and Pig Latin. But try as I might for the tri-lingual moniker, I may have to concede defeat. After three years of high school Spanish I can barely order my burrito correctly. But I soldier on and use my conversational Spanish as often as I can. Today I told a Hispanic boy he had beautiful, green eyes. I’m not sure why his father got so angry. He started yelling, demanding to know why I wanted to see the color of his son’s testicles.

While I’m not super motivated to learn Spanish, there is one language I’d love to master. I wish there was a Rosetta Stone to teach me to understand what men are saying. The Rosetta Stone “Manguage version” would translate guy sayings into real words and phrases. Fair warning: In Manguage, similar sounding words have very different meanings depending the inflection.

Manguage word & Female translation

“Ummm” = “I heard you.”

“Ummm!” = “I heard you the first time”

“Ummm!!” = “I heard you the first time, quit blocking the TV, the
Vikings are about to score.”

“Ummmmmm….” = “I love you very much and thank you for the blow-job.”

Chances are, I’ll speak fluent Mandarin before I understand one word of Manguage. I’m grateful for new languages because I’ve discovered to speak Spanish all you have to do is study, but to really understand Manguage you must be a native speaker. No matter how difficult it is, I’ll keep trying to speak conversational Manguage on my dates. I may not speak it confidently, but I’m pretty secure in the knowledge no guy will be offended if I accidentally ask to see the color of his testicles.

That’s why I’m grateful for new languages.