The pageantry and showmanship of dog shows has always fascinated me. I could watch the grooming and prancing around for hours. In the end, the judges are burdened with the unenviable task of selecting the winner who’ll go on to become incredibly valuable for breeding purposes. I love the prestigious shows, Westminster, AKC/Eukanuba and the Miss America Pageant. (Miss California, I’m sure I offended your delicate sensibilities, but please keep your self-righteous emails and self-pleasuring porn tape to yourself.)

I’m tired of watching women being judged against each other to see who has best body. (I’m fine with beauty pageants, I’m talking about the Loehmann’s dressing room.) I’m not a rampant feminist so I can objectively tell you why the Miss America pageant ratings are declining. Here’s hint…if you want people to watch, call it what it is, and quit trying to convince us you’re putting on an academic decathlon. Want ratings too soar? Call it “An upscale Miss Hawaiian Tropic bikini contest.” Instead, someone has their tiara on too tight and insists on marketing it as “a program that provides personal and professional opportunities for young women to promote their voices in culture, politics and the community.” Oooooh! Outta my way, I need to set my Tivo!

I’m grateful for competitions because it’s a fun way for people, animals, wine, clothing, orchids or bean art to be rewarded for excellence. Miss America contestants are not rocket scientists, nor do we want them to be. Pageant participant idiocy makes their freak of nature beauty bearable for average-looking girls such as myself. (She may have an amazing rump, but she’s dumb as a stump.) If the Miss America organizers continue to insist it’s not about rewarding beauty, but celebrating our country’s most accomplished, intelligent, well-spoken, never married women – until Oprah walks away with a crown, I’m not buying it, or watching it.

That’s why I’m grateful for competitions.