I’d like to share a holiday story with you about Christmas cocktails, festively titled:
“Eggnog: A Cautionary Tale”
Today, after all the presents are opened, empty Christmas stockings crumpled into the corner and the tree soaks up it’s last 15 minutes of fame, you may be tempted to tip back a glass of holiday good cheer, otherwise known as eggnog. I’m here to tell you, don’t do it. Eggnog is evil incarnate, masquerading as innocence and joy, inside a decorative punchbowl.
If angels were bartenders, eggnog is what they’d serve to God, Jesus, St. Peter and the whole gang. It’s made from milk, sugar, eggs, freshly ground nutmeg, cinnamon and topped with a heavenly cloud of whipped cream. Since it’s much closer to dessert than a cocktail, it’s easy to over-indulge. Just like those cute little Gremlins that seem harmless, eggnog has been known to fool the savviest of drinkers. What could go wrong when a drink tastes like melted ice cream and can be mixed with lethal amounts of brandy, rum, whiskey or cognac? I’m here to tell you, one thing eggnog doesn’t mix with, is family.
The story below “allegedly” happened to one of my friends. No, not me, and I’m insulted that you’d accuse me of such miscreant behavior.
Eggnog is truth serum, which means through her whipped cream moustache, my friend told her family everything that’s been bothering her for the last ten years, up to and including the time they told her Rags went to live on a farm, when her father really dropped the dog off at the pound. I started to cry, I mean, she started to cry, and when her aunt rolled her eyes, she told her Aunt that her new haircut made her look like a diesel dyke. She spent the next 364 days trying to get everyone to forget how she insisted on walking home and ended up passed out in the manger of the nativity scene in front of the local church. I guess I slept through the entire morning, only waking up after an over-protective, and much too sober parishioner yelled at me because I was using the baby Jesus as a pillow.
Needless to say, I’m grateful for Christmas cocktails, eggnog not being one of them. Take it from me, and learn from my “friend’s” past discretions. Have a wonderful nogg-free holiday.
I’m grateful for Christmas cocktails.