The most dangerous job in the world isn’t a skyscraper window washer, a nuclear waste disposal manager or coal mine canary. You’re putting your life in danger each and every day if you’re a department store perfume sprayer -- because if you spritz me, I’m going to kill you, right there, in front of the make-up counter, with several female impersonators (aka Mac makeup artists) as witnesses. Go ahead, make my day.

In high school, I’d spray myself down with so many coats of Designer Imposter fragrance, I’m personally responsible for the hole in the ozone and killing several species of wildlife. Just like my Rachel hair cut, I thankfully grew out of that phase, and now I can’t stand the smell of perfume. So I’m going to take a wild guess about what some celebrity fragrances smell like. I’ll just imagine the magical scents of the people who's lives I wish I lived.

“Mystery” Naomi Campbell smells like you got smacked in the face with a cell phone.

“Heiress” Paris Hilton - smells like skank

“Fancy” Jessica Simpson - smells like low IQ

“Vintage” Kate Moss - smells like she needs to eat a sandwich

“Now & Forever” Joan Rivers - smells like Botox

“Kiss” Kiss - smells like the band needs money

“Halle” Halle Berry – probably smells nice because she seems like a nice person, but the bottle is battered.

Call me crazy, but I don’t want to smell like someone else just because they’re famous. I’m grateful I don’t need a spritz of perfume to smell good, I’d rather just use soap and water and smell like me. Although, if you ever drink too much and someone says “I can smell the vodka coming out of your pores” correct them, and say you’re wearing the newest celebrity fragrance “Hangover” by Gratitude Cocktail Girl.

That’s why I’m grateful I don’t need a spritz.