I’d like to nominate someone for sainthood, but I’ve discoved the process can be pretty extensive. (At least that’s what Wikipedia says, and if Wiki says it, then that’s a fact Jack.) There’s no way I’m going through that whole rigmarole, so I’ll just cut to the chase and write a letter to the Pope. To make sure no one else opens my letter, I’ll print “personal and confidential” on the front, cover it heart stickers and spray it with Pope-friendly perfume “Angel” by noted fashion designer Thierry Mugler. (According to Wikipedia, Thierry Mugler also has a fragrance called Men’s Summer Flash, which could be priest-freindly since men of the cloth are rumored to go commando under their robes in summer.) My letter will respectfully request that his Popey-ness put forward Miss Teanne Harris for sainthood.

Teanne Harris deserves to have schoolgirls pray to her and statutes erected in her likeness for her unbelievable act of forgiveness. Six days before her wedding Teanne’s groom called off the marriage. She contacted her vendors, but was unable to get any of her money back. Now this is where the sainthood part comes into play. Instead of beating her ex-fiancé to death with a sack filled with Jordan almond party favors, this paragon of bootstrap pullers donated her reception site, food and decorations as a party for a retirement community. Over 300 retirees enjoyed dinner, drinks and did the chicken dance until their hips gave out and they had to push their Life Alert buttons.

After Teanne was jilted, she didn’t feel sorry for herself, eat her entire wedding cake in one sitting, and drink every bottle of booze in her open bar -- all of which clearly qualify her as a saint in my book. I’m grateful for Teanne Harris because her generosity and powers of forgiveness make her the perfect person to be canonized as the Patron Saint of Old Maids. In the end, it doesn’t matter what the Pope says, I’ve gone to a higher authority -- I added her to the list of saints on Wikipedia.

That’s why I’m grateful for Teanne Harris.