Will Rogers said, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” I feel the same way about donuts. While some shops are better than others, I’ve found a donut case that’d make a grown police officer cry. When I walked in the door, I audibly gasped like a teenage girl watching Robert Pattinson remove his shirt. Only unlike Bella, I was going to get some carnal satisfaction. Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland, Oregon carries 100 different varieties of donuts including some covered in crushed Butterfingers, Oreo cookies, Nestle Quick powder, Tang, Bacon (yes, I said bacon) and even the famously repellent Robitussin doughnut, until the FDA cracked down on ‘em, those bastards.

Old Siggy Freud would have a carb-induced aneurism in this place because not only do they appeal to the Ego with donuts shaped like voodoo dolls (filled with red jelly and pre-stabbed with a pretzel stick) they also appeal to the Libido with a cream filled “cock ’n balls” donut that looks an awful lot like it’s namesake. Sadly, not everyone is pleased. One customer commented, “These people are racist. Their cock ‘n balls doughnut only comes in chocolate. Granted, this large doughnut is probably correct in size but at least be a bit creative by making a medium sized C&B with vanilla icing and a small C&B with maple icing.”

On occasion they even make a "Maple Blazer Bluntz." It is a doughnut shaped like a joint, rolled in cinnamon, with one end dipped with a red-sprinkled ember – a favorite for those with the munchies. If you're a hopeless romantic, you can even get married at Voodoo Doughnuts. It’s 100% legal and the service is performed beneath a velvet painting of Isaac Hays or Kenny Rodgers (depending upon location.) I’m grateful for Voodoo Doughnuts because they have everything a donut lover could dream of. I just hope one day they'll consider performing funerals, because when I die, forget about the coffin, I want to be buried in their donut case.

That’s why I’m grateful for Voodoo doughnuts.