George Clooney is my nemesis. Not because he's the perfect example of how guys get hotter as they get older. Oh no. I can’t stand him because he's a serial dater with a conscience. He only dates gorgeous women who are all do-goodery, like kindergarten teachers, social workers, Peace Corps volunteers, and the ultimate humanitarians -- girls who don’t use aerosol hairspray. Apparently hot guys are attracted to do-gooders, so I’ve decided to break out of my  “don’t-doer” mold, and sign up to volunteer my services. (Although, it would be much nicer if  it wasn’t on the weekends -- and if I got paid for it).

Here are a few places I could donate my time to make the world a better place. (Oddly, there’s no such thing as volunteer bartending, so this is going to be a challenge).

Food Bank. Sounds like a great idea until get caught robbing the food bank when I eat everything on the shelves, including the inedible food people donate to clean out their pantries like expired garbanzo beans and Tofurky.

Habitat for Humanity. I love the idea of building a home for a needy family, but once I realize the house I’m building way nicer than my crappy apartment, or any house I’ll ever be able to afford, I’ll get bitter.

Meals on wheels. Yet another job where I’d eat all the food. I'd be forced to lie and say I was meal-jacked.

Peace Corps. I like the idea of wearing a cute uniform, but they require a 27-month commitment. I can’t even commit to straightening my full head of hair. Also, it’s a little too close to camping.

Clinical Trial Volunteer. Bingo! I found a trial that needs healthy people for “Bed rest studies.” I’ll actually get paid to lie in bed for extended periods of time. This study simulates the effects of prolonged space travel – and ironically, it simulates my senior year of college.

As a future philanthropist, I will have the satisfaction of helping strangers while making the world a better place, one nap at a time. I’m grateful I can volunteer my services, and by giving to others I will become a better person and a heck of a lot more attractive to men.

That’s why I’m grateful I can volunteer my services.