When I was in college, I’d drink Jager bombs all night, sleep 15 minutes, drink a Captain and Coke for breakfast and then ace my final exams. Now that I’m older, things have changed a bit. Last night I had one -- albeit quite large, martini and woke up feeling like I was under a dog pile of vodka-soaked Snuffleupaguses. That’s why I’m placing an ad on a job search website. I need to hire a Hangover Elf. (Experience required.)

Financial cutbacks have affected all areas of the economy, and I’m banking on the fact that the mythical creatures job market isn’t immune. (I’ve been told Hogwarts is preparing for massive layoffs, but you didn’t hear it from me.) My Hangover Elf job requirements are pretty basic. Morning shifts are mandatory and non-negotiable. As soon as my squinty eyes open, he or she (I’m not an elf sexist) must hand me dark glasses, Advil and a cold Gatorade. Of course, I’d be a benevolent elf keeper and pay hazard pay for brushing my teeth and basically being anywhere near my boozy body odor.

I can’t wait to start interviewing possible candidates because I know I’m going to find the perfect elf for the job. I’m grateful for job websites because they’ll help me find an employee that won’t be intimidated by the job. Elves are used to being around scaly dragons, evil griffins, the undead, and various beasties. That means, unlike my ex-boyfriends, my elf won’t run out of the house screaming when he sees how awful I look in the morning.

Today I’m grateful for job websites.