I grew up next door to a Nielsen family. Everyone on our block was jealous because this family was selected to record their TV viewing habits in a diary. (I actually thought their last name was Nielsen, which proves I was dropped on my head as a baby.) Our neighbors held this family personally responsible for canceling shows like Cheers, but keeping shows alive like Alf, Mr. Belvedere and Small Wonder. (I actually thought the girl on Small Wonder was a robot, which proves I was dropped on my head repeatedly -- even though my mom denies it.)

The Nielsen Company is keeping up with the times –  and now they rate internet porn sites. According to the Neilson ratings, one out of every three persons viewing on-line porn is female. I’m going to dispute those numbers because they don’t take into account all of the women who have the internet bill their name because of their boyfriend's horrible credit. (Probably because she was dropped on her head as a child, repeatedly, even though her mom and dad deny it.)

I’m grateful for new rating systems because if the Nielson Company is monitoring what porn I’m viewing, I have the power to change the world wide web. Say goodbye to traditional porn. I view the sexiest, drool worthy, most arousing site on the internet, Food Porn Daily. If this site doesn’t get you excited, you must have been dropped on your head.

That’s why I’m grateful for new rating systems.