Let’s face it, there’s good news, really good news and news that so fan-flippin’-tastic you want to scream it from the highest mountain top. The following news is of the mountain top, scream-worthy variety. Scientists now say red wine prevents tooth decay, inhibits Alzheimer’s and boosts your immune system. You can get all the facts on the study here, or you can go here and get all the facts about BevMo’s next five cent sale.

I’m going to buy a few cases of Cab, Merlot and maybe, if I’m feeling saucy, a few bottles of Tempranillo. Tomorrow I’ll submit the receipt to my health insurance Flex Spending account -- if they pay for fake medication like insulin, they should pay for real medicine like red wine.

Speaking of Tempranillo, or as I like to call it “my yum-yum prescription,” Trader Joe’s has a great bottle, and here’s the kicker, it’s only $3.99. (You can’t even get a bottle of expired Robitussin for $3.99). It’s called La Granja and it has a cute flying pig on the label. I love it, but what do I know? I only drink wine medicinally, however, the snotty wine reviewers are going crazy for this hooch. Just do a Google search and you’ve never seen so much stuff about soft and juicy undertones, rich raspberry, cherry and light spice/earth flavors with nice acidity and moderate tannins. Huh? Okay, I’ll take a glass.

This is the best news I’ve heard in…well, forever. I’m grateful for red wine because now I don’t have to brush my teeth, worry about Alzheimer’s and I can eat all the heart-unhealthy foods I want. Move over Dr. Oz, I’m only taking medical advice from my new physicians, Earnest and Julio.

That’s why I’m grateful for red wine (again).