Common sense dictates if you’re walking down the street in NY, you go out of your way to avoid a pile of pigeon poop. Conversely, if you’re in a fancy spa in NY, you pay several hundred dollars to have bird feces rubbed into your face. (Insert joke about being shit faced here.) Seems like we’ll slather ourselves with the most vile substances on earth all in the name of beauty. I’ve complied a short list of the extreme products on the market, and no, I’m not shitting you.

Snail secretions – Knu Anti-Aging Tri-Complex boasts a 90% concentration of snail gunk. This product promises to regenerate the skin, prevent and correct wrinkles and loss of skin firmness. They forgot to mention loss of lunch, because I know if I opened a jar, I’d throw up.

Sperm – A Norwegian company has synthesized spermine, an antioxidant found in human sperm. This miracle cream is super expensive, but it’s said to soothe fine lines and wrinkles – and if you fall for that one, expect to have men lining up at your door to offer you free spermine facials and pearl necklaces.

Baby Foreskin – SkinMedica boasts their wrinkle reducing cream is created with fibroblasts from discarded infant foreskins. Their lab says this product is particularly regenerative and can also be used for healing wounds. Since it’s made of foreskin, if I put it on my breasts and rub really hard will I go from an A to a D cup?

Snake Venom – Syn-Ake (how long did they labor over creating that name?) is an ingredient incorporated into a facial cream that promises to mimic the paralyzing effects of Botox, and soften wrinkles. Thanks, but I’m going to take a passssssssssssssssss.

I’m grateful for snakes, sperm and foreskin beauty products because they remind me that in the pursuit of youth, there’s no shortage of people who will fall for a gimmick. Unlike me, because I’ve found a treatment I know will make me youthful. In the Chodovar Family Brewery right outside of Prague, Czech Republic I’ll get to soak for hours in a tub of beer. This treatment nourishes the skin, hair and will leave me feeling, and smelling youthful, like a drunk, 18 year-old frat boy.

That’s why I’m grateful for snakes, sperm and foreskin.