When a TV show tells me to stay tuned, from now on, I'm going to change the channel.  I just caught a commercial for the Hug E Gram -- and ironically, I could use a hug right about now because I’m totally traumatized. Basically, a Hug E Gram is two plush cotton arms with some Hamburger Helper hands on the ends you wear like a scarf. I guess it was only a matter of time before someone invented this product because regular hugs are so time consuming -- and such a hassle! It’s patent pending which is good news, I wouldn’t want anyone to rip off this idea and sell it as the Hand-Job-E-Gram.

If you’re like me and wondering who you can mortify… I mean, thrill with this gift, the website suggests you send it to your mother, father, friend or someone in the military. That’s it! I’m going to send a solder in Iraq some severed pink arms he can wear around the base so he can look like he’s being molested by Mickey Mouse. Since I get to include a recorded personal message, I'll make sure it says something heartfelt, something he can play to his fellow troops like, “Heeeeeeeyyy! Don’t ask, don’t tell!”

The makers say, “The Hug E Gram is the warmest, most personal gift you can share.” Really? I'm pretty sure someone already gave me the warmest most personal gift you can share and after I needed seven days of antibiotics. I’m grateful for the Hug E Gram because it’s a creepy gift I can send to my friends that’s almost as disturbing as the boyfriend pillow they sent to me, which I'll be writing about tomorrow. Stay tuned.

That’s why I’m grateful for the Hug E Gram.