There are only two reasons a guy would ever buy a scented candle.

1. To cover up the smell of spilled bong water in his carpet.

2. His boyfriend likes jasmine kumquat.

Not anymore. The testosterone-drenched minds at Hotwicks are hell bent on changing the candle buying habits of men everywhere by creating scents guys find irresistible – and most women find nauseating. The list of “manroma” candles include pigskin, urinal cake, hippie, beer, new car, stripper and roadkill skunk. Believe it or not, I only made up the last one.

Usually the smell of putrefaction is free, but these candles come at a nominal price, about six bucks each. Because I’m in touch with my masculine side, I’m not afraid to admit Hotwicks, has some candle scents that appeal to me – whiskey and (wait for it) bacon. Personally I think they shouldn’t market these candles to men. They should market them to women who want to attract men into their apartment. Girls, once you light the pizza candle you won’t be able to keep guys from knocking down your dorm room door.

I’m grateful for Hotwicks because they’ve given me a great new way to meet hot guys. I’m going to buy a case of campfire scented candles, put on a sexy nightie, light all the wicks at once, sit back -- and wait for the firemen to show up.

That’s why I’m grateful for Hotwicks.