There’s an accepted political correctness regarding race, religion and sexual orientation, but there’s a forgotten class of people that needs protecting; The Never Married Woman, aka the Old Maid. Talk about your ugly stereotypes. In several plays William Shakespeare referred to a popular saying that, “It was the fate of women who died unmarried to lead apes into hell.” Ouch. In a giant leap for vagina-kind, someone is making amends for this abuse. Those clever folks in the greeting card industry have named June 4th Old Maid’s Day. As William Shakespeare would say, I shit thee not.
Before June 4th rolls around, let’s demand important cultural changes. The Old Maid card game will no longer have a bun wearing, afghan knitting old lady in a rocking chair. Let’s put her in a Wonderbra and Christian Louboutin pumps holding a martini. Little girls all across America will say, “Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a spinster!” As a side bar, in the 90’s there was a card game called Old Bachelor. I googled it and it’s not available anymore, probably because the Old Bachelor went on a Princess Cruise and was smothered to death under a dogpile of widows who wanted to waltz with him.
The reason our society insists on making never married women feel shame has nothing to do with us. In the 1700’s single men were unruly and considered to be a threat to society. In Plymouth Colony, someone had to be responsible for a single man by answering for his mischief and paying his taxes. However, a single woman was an asset to the family as a caregiver. In a stroke of genius, the patriarchal society put the stink on women and it’s worked like a charm ever since.
July 4th may be Independence day, but really, Old Maid’s Day should stand for true independence. I’m grateful for June 4th because I’m going to celebrate women who have decided not to be dependent on a man for their happiness, and chose to stay single. I’m going to send cards to all my single friends that say “Congratulations on not settling, now let’s go out, get drunk and lead those apes into hell.”
That’s why I’m grateful for June 4th.