When Friday rolls around, I’m ready to quit my job and then I remember, it’s Dunkin’ donut day. I was about to put Matt from the IT department in a Greco-Roman knuckle lock for the last jelly glazed, but chivalry isn’t dead, and he let me pick first. Poor guy got stuck with the maple, and no one likes the maple. While I’m microwaving my donut, I make polite conversation and ask him what he’s doing over the weekend. This mild mannered guy tells me he’s going to a furry convention. I’ve got a full-blown “furvert” on my hands. Do tell!
Matt is a pretty unassuming guy. He weighs about 245lbs, wears glasses with dirty lenses and wanders around the office looking lost as a collarless dog. At a furry convention* he gets to put on one of his homemade fursuits and be whoever he wants to be. Most fursuits have special holes or zippers in certain areas, if you know what I mean, (wink, wink) for romantic encounters. So far Matt has been a bat, rat and a cat, I’m not sure if he chose those animals because they all rhyme with his name, but I’m told typically furries choose “characters” based on their personalities or interests. That means I’d have to dress up as a character related to food, like Mr. Peanut. How in the hell am I going to have sex without my manacle and top hat flying off?
Note to furries: I’m not saying this is what all furries do, I’m just telling you what Matt does. If you don’t like it, don’t bother to send me hate email, just look for a 245lb black rat at your next convention and yell at him.
I’m grateful for mild mannered guys because I learned you never know what’s under the surface and I shouldn’t judge anyone by appearances alone. Wasn’t Clark Kent a mild mannered guy too? Still waters run deep and mild mannered guys have something about them that makes them interesting and unique. Matt is brilliant because even though he’s incredibly unattractive, he’s figured out a way to get laid like he’s Brat Pitt. That means some IT freakshow is having sex way more than I am, so compared to him, I’m the one no one picks. I’m the maple!
That’s why I’m grateful for mild mannered guys.
*There are several furry “cons” every year. Check out this link to find one near you, you furvert.